Borderlands: The Re-Sequel- Tiny Tina's Assault On Dragon's Keep
by Anarkyrie42
Summary: -INDEFINITE HIATUS-A companion to KRIEG. Tina, with the power of holograms and imagination, has some of her friends play a game. Action! Torgue! Adventure! Torgue! Horror! Torgue! Romance! TORGUE! Simmons being a creep! Lilasky, Simmerlock, Angland, maybe... Updates Thursdays. This summary sponsored by the Torgue Corporation. TORGUE!-INDEFINITE HIATUS-
1. Chapter 1

Hi there, kiddos. Anarkyrie42 here. Yeah, so I'm doing the DLC's, now, starting with Tiny Tina's Assault. Main purpose of this is because I can. Secondary purpose is because some people requested it. Third purpose is to sketch out the WTF-ly obscure pairing: Lilasky. Lilith from Borderlands and our favorite UNSC officer, Captain Thomas Lasky. Fair warning: I will not be updating this regularly. I will try, but I might not be able to. So I'll TRY for every (what day is it...?) Thursday. Uh... yeah, that's it for now.

Pairings: Yes.  
>Lilasky, a little Angland (Roland the AI and Angel) and faint Simmerlock (Yes, that's Simmons and Hammerlock). Mentions of Fred x Allison (too lazy to come up with an abbreviated form)Allison x Leonard Church and one-sided Brick x Kelly.

* * *

><p><em>Once upon a time... the Vault Hunters played a game...<em>

TINY TINA'S ASSAULT ON DRAGON'S KEEP:  
>PART ONE<p>

PANDORA  
><em>Sanctuary<em>  
>08.10.2559 (UNSC Calendar)<br>"This... is our most desperatest hour... The world is on the brink of goin' boom-boom... If we don't make a stand here and now, we gon' die... Now... Roll for initiative!"

Lasky frowned as the dice almost hit him, shooting across the table from Tina. It wasn't how he wanted to spend his second day off in decades, but it was hard to argue with the adorable and deadly thirteen-year-old girl. Although, maybe it was a bad idea to tell her that, yes, the scary Alien badasses were still there and yes he would consider their leader a friend, in a very, very loose definition of the word.

"Uh, Tina, darlin', some of us old folks ain't exactly experts on these kids games," Zed said. There were twelve of them around the table, not including Tina. Tina sat opposite Brick and Lasky, with Lilith on her right and Mordecai on her left. To Lilith's right were Angel, Allison, The Arbiter and Simmons. To Mordecai's left were Scooter, Zed, Sir Hammerlock and Linda. Tina had tried to convince Palmer to tag along as well, but she declined, saying the _Infinity_ needed someone to keep an eye on it, to which Cortana, in AI form, protested, saying she could handle taking perfectly good care of the _Infinity_ while Roland was babysitting the Raiders. That was when Angel volunteered to go in Palmer's place.

"What's initiative?" Brick asked, watching the Arbiter examine the die.

"It's the order we attack in," Lilith said.

"Attack? Why would dice decide who attacks?" the Arbiter asked. "What fool fights by this strategy?"

"That's the way the game is played," Lilith replied. "It's just a board game."

"Hey! How 'bout we use that Sarge guy's holographical room downstairs?" Scooter suggested. "That way it'll be way more fun and stuff!"

"Ooh! Great idea!" Tina chirped.

"Wait, why are we even playing this kid's game?" Mordecai asked.

"Well, maybe because... SHUT THE HELL UP, MORDY!" Tina snapped. "I figured we could all benefit from having some fun after all that stuff with Jack. Aaaand while the badass Vault Hunters are beating the slamma-jamma outta some Hyperion informants downstairs."

As if on cue, a loud scream cut the air followed almost directly by Gaige shouting, just over the screams, "_Give us the information we want and I'll let Axton kill you quickly!"  
><em>

"Well, then," Allison said, looking at Lasky first, then Mordecai, Lilith and finally Brick. "What have you people been teaching my daughter?"

"It's our sisters that taught her everything," Linda said with a small smile. "And a little bit from K and some ODST's."

"Oh, ODST's. Perfect sense, then," Allison snorted.

"Anywhooo," Tina interrupted. "Before we go down to the Hologrammyraphical room, we should pick our characters! You gots your Mechromancer, the Siren, Lasky's Angels..."

"What?" Lasky said, unsure that he'd heard Tina right.

"Dibs on Kelly!" Brick said. "Sweet, sweet Kelly..."

"I should like to take the role of the Master Chief," the Arbiter said.

"Mechromancer!" Lilith said.

"I should like to play that lovely marine chap, Sergeant Ruiz," Sir Hammerlock said. "Quite a wonderful fellow."

"Linda should play Zero," Angel said.

"Hey, I'm a badass sniper, too," Mordecai protested.

"Siobhan was our third best," Linda said. "Play her."

"Third best?" Mordecai raised an eyebrow.

"Linda was and is _the_ best," Allison said. "Fred was just as good, but hated the attention, so he and Kuro—Zero—were tied for second. Shy was third."

"Okay, fair enough," Mordecai said.

"I wanna play with Mal," Simmons said. "Uh, using Mal. I'd like to play him."

"Watch it there, Dick. You're gonna make Grif jealous," Lilith teased. She glanced at Lasky. "Why don't you play Axton?"

"Mm? Yeah, sure," Lasky said.

"I kinda wanna play Claptrap," Zed said. "I know that sound weird, but I do. Nurse Nina, old friend of mine from Medical School, said he was a genuine badass on Elpis, back when he was a Vault Hunter..."

"Ooh, can I play the badass Psycho?" Scooter asked.

"I'd like to play Maya, if that's okay," Angel said.

"Leaves me with Naomi... That's fair," Allison said.

"Great! We all gots our characters!" Tina chirped. "All we gotta do now is wait for Roland."

"_I'm right here, Tina,_" Roland the AI's hologram appeared on the holotable, at Tina's elbow.

"No, silly. Not you," Tina snorted. "The other Roland."

There was an awkward silence. All the adults looked at one another, then at Lilith, Brick and Mordecai, expecting them to say something, to correct Tina, whatever. The Arbiter, looked at Tina, concerned. He glanced at Lasky.

"Tina, Roland's d—"

"Not coming," Lilith interrupted Lasky. "You know Roland's not coming, right?"

"Yeaaah... He's probo runnin' late or something," Tina waved her hand dismissively. "I'll just tell Dr. Crazypants to tell him we're in Sarge's Holographygram room when he gets here."

Tina hopped off her chair and waved for the group to follow. Everyone else got up and began to follow her. Lasky caught Lilith's arm, holding her back as all the others left the room.

"Lil, you comin'?" Mordecai asked.

"Sir?" Linda stood by the door expectantly.

"We'll be right with you," Lasky said, back to them, holding Lilith's gaze.

"Yeah, you two go on ahead," Lilith said. Once the two snipers had left, Lasky let go of Lilith's arm. "What?" Lilith glared.

"Don't," Lasky frowned. She was aware that he knew she understood what he meant.

"She's fragile," Lilith said.

"Not as fragile as you think," Lasky said. He was doing that calm thing. Most of her respected it, but some of her was annoyed by it.

"You're just mad that I interrupted you," Lilith hissed.

"Only because you were using it as an excuse to keep Tina from seeing the truth," Lasky said.

"Roland was like a brother to her. If she can't accept it, you don't have to shove it down her throat," Lilith fired back.

"Lilith, I understand pretty damn well what that feels like. She needs to accept it. You can't shield her."

"And how would you know what that feels like?" Lilith snapped.

"My brother was an ODST," Lasky told her. "His squad was wiped out by Insurrectionists. I knew some of those guys, too. Was friends with one or two of them. My mom had one of her lieutenants tell me. I didn't have anyone to help me deal with it. Tina does, but she can only deal with it if you stop trying to protect her. You're not helping."

Lilith searched his face for the anger and frustration she expected to see there. She caught fragments, but more than that was concern. She nodded. "Okay... I guess I get where you're coming from," she said. "We can talk to Tina later. After her game..."

"Okay."

"We should go..." Lilith said, stepping around him. "They'll start to think we snuck off to fool around."

(V)

_"Alright, gamers,_" Roland began over the simulation room's speakers. "_Since it's a general simulation and I'm not uploading it through neural implants, since only some of you have those, those playing Spartan characters will not have the speed or strength... Unless, of course, they are Spartans... or Sangheili. So, apologies, Mordecai and Brick._"

"Eh, it's fine," Mordecai shrugged.

"Anything else we should know before this starts, Roland?" Linda asked.

"_Linda... Be advised: Tina really, really wants you to speak in Haiku if at all possible. Also, everyone, I'm generating a sort of pocket armory for you. Up to forty guns, grenades and shields. They will be accessed via a digistruct device on your right hip. You'll have a sort of HUD projected in front of you that you'll be able to select weaponry from. Also, apparently character modifications are available from Zed Med machines throughout the game maps. They function like vending machines, sir. Um... you might have to show the Arbiter how that works..._"

"You will," the Arbiter informed Lasky, who nodded.

"_I'll be available for logistical assistance throughout, just call out for me."_

"_Everyone ready?_" Tina asked from the sound booth.

"We're ready," Simmons called out.

"_Initiating simulation..._" Roland announced.

A boat mapped out under them, water filling in under it as their clothes and appearances altered. The Arbiter became Master Chief S-117, kitted out in partial armor with a distinctly medieval flare added to the Mjolnir plates, a cloak cascading down around his shoulders. Zed had been replaced with a three-foot-tall wheeling metal box. Simmons and Hammerlock were transformed into partially-knight-armor-wearing versions of Mal and Sal. Allison now looked like some kind of pseudo-Viking version of Naomi, with a fur-trimmed skirt, domed metal breastplates and leather trousers. Mordecai was taller, a woman and wearing a kilt to go with the leather corset, boots, belts and bracers. Linda went from dressed in her fatigues to wearing the same helmet and leather outfit as Zero. Brick was in some sort of leather corset with metal plates sewn on with a pair of similar leather trousers and boots, Kelly's short hair having been replaced by a loose braid that fell far past Brick's hips. Only Angel's clothing changed to a yellow and blue dress. Lasky noted a very _Lord of The Rings_ leather and wool change to his fatigues. He plied the eye-patch off, preferring to have both eyes. Lilith's mid-calf-length dress seemed less medieval and more Alice In Wonderland, except it was red, grey and brown, not the classic blue and had a far less child-friendly neckline.

Beyond the water, under their boat, was a dock adjacent to a sandbar which functioned as a naturally built marina. At the other end of the sandbar, a wall had been erected, with the gate drawn up. A town lie beyond the wall. The sun was out and the sky was blue. A butterfly flitted past the Arbiter's nose, which caused him to flail at it comically.

"Those things are harmless, man. Totally harmless and stuff," Scooter said with a laugh. "Aintchu never seen one before?"

"I was assaulted!" the Arbiter protested.

"Butterflies are harmless, sir," Simmons told him. The Arbiter frowned.

_Okay, so you arrive at the docks of Flamerock Refuge. It used to be a really nice place... until the Handsome Sorcerer messed everything up._

The boat slid neatly against the dock and two ramps slid into place, allowing them off.

_Whatchu gonna do?_

Everyone looked at Lasky. "Let's head towards town," he suggested. After they came down off the dock, Lasky suggested they all draw weapon and perform a check.

_It was a lovely day in Flamerock Refuge... a far cry from—_

"Wait, Tina... You just said the Handsome Sorcerer messed everything up," Allison interrupted.

"How's everything 'lovely?'" Lilith agreed.

_Um... oops... What I meant to say was... It's... Eternal night. _The sun swapped out for a moon, rather comically, and the sky darkened. _And you hear spooky music..._ Haunting, Halloween-themed music began to play. _And the whole area kinda smells like butts and dead people._

"_Tina, I can't do that with this equipment._"

_Darn. Um... Just pretend, then._

"Okay..." Mordecai muttered.

_I said pretend!_

"Um... I smell butts. And dead people," Lilith announced.

"Ew! Butts and dead people!" Zed whined in a Claptrap-stylized version of his voice.

"Reminds me of Brute breath," Lasky said.

"Indeed," the Arbiter agreed.

"Gross!" Simmons made a face. "I actually have no idea what Mal would say to that."

"Probably something to the same effect as what the captain said," Hammerlock said. "By the way, this is quite an unpleasant stench! Yes!"

"If any marine spoke like that, he'd get his ass kicked so bad," Mordecai snorted.

"SMELLS LIKE HOME!" Scooter shouted. Everyone looked at him. "What? I'm playin' a psycho version of your guy... Who ain't nothin' like 'im anyways..."

"Enough foolishness. Let us continue our journey," the Arbiter suggested. He looked over at Lasky.

"Yeah, let's do that. Why don't you take point?" Lasky said. The Arbiter ducked his head in a nod. "Brick, I want you there and Allison, there."

"Okay," Allison said, taking her place.

"Lilith, you and Angel with me," Lasky continued. "Zed stick back here, too... Simmons, how good of a shot are you?"

"I'm a great shot, sir! I just don't always kill what I'm shooting at. It's not my fault if they move, sir!"

"...Fine. Go right there. Linda, you and Mordecai in the rear," Lasky said.

"You got it, boss," Mordecai said.

"Hammerlock, opposite side from Simmons," Lasky instructed.

"Affirmative, Captain!" Hammerlock jogged over to his indicated spot.

"What about me?" Scooter asked.

"...Just behind the Arbiter."

"Alright!" Scooter said, running to his spot. "Badass Melee Bros! High-Five!" Scooter said, lifting his hand to high-five the Arbiter, who just stared at him.

"Lower your hand," the Arbiter said. Scooter lowered his arm sadly.

"Aw..."

_Okay, so you approach the town_, Tina announced as they started to move forward, down the sand bar. _Suddenly, you're attacked by a horde of skelly-mens!_

Several skeletons appeared, armed and dangerous, before the group. Roland had clearly kept better judgement than Tina, having provided the Arbiter with an energy sword. The sangheili drew his sword and rushed the closest skeleton, taking an arrow to the arm as he lifted his hand to slash it. He booted the skeleton in the chest, crushing it to the ground, caving its rib cage in. Regardless, he swung his arm, decapitating the skeleton.

Angel's siren tattoos flared and she hoisted a few of the skeletons into the air with a Phaselock bubble. A smile of delight lit up her face. "Wow," she said. "I wonder if I can..." the skeletons screeched as she crushed them to dust with the Phaselock.

"Remind me to never make you or Maya angry!" Simmons said.

"Okay!" Angel giggled. "This is fun!"

"Check this out!" Lilith said, tossing Deathtrap out onto the field. The robot attempted to light one of the skeletons on fire with its laser, but nothing happened.

"Okay, bullet proof, fire-resistant skeletons," Lasky said.

"_Try corrosive_," Roland suggested. "_I've equipped you all with two weapons of each 'elemental' type, in addition to standard-issue armaments._"

"RAAAAGHAAHAHAHA!" Brick smashed through three of the skeletons, their bones flying under his onslaught.

"Corrosive works great, thanks, amigo!" Mordecai called out. Soon, all the skeletons were destroyed, either melted in acid, crushed by Phaselock, or Brick, or dismembered and smashed by Scooter and The Arbiter.

"Everyone whole?" Zed asked, wheeling around, checking everyone. The Arbiter pulled the arrow out of his arm and Zed pulled a med-shot out of his drawer.

"Many thanks, but I am quite alright," the sangheili said.

"Three enemy contacts, eight o'clock, by the boats," Allison called out.

"I've got them," Angel said, hoisting the skeletons into the air with the Phaselock. She tossed them higher. They came down even faster, smashing into the water, just beyond the boat, bones shattering on impact with the water.

_So as you approach the gates of Flamerock Refuge, the Handsome Sorcerer's pet dragon appears! Surprise attack!_

"I wanna smack it," Brick said with a low chuckle. They all opened fire on the dragon simultaneously. The bullets bounced right off its scales. Mordecai dropped to his belly, the fifty-caliber sniper's stand popping down. He angled up and fired three of the high-velocity, ultra-hardened rounds. They didn't so much as dent the scales on the dragon's belly.

"Oh, shit."

_You try to attack it, but your attacks do nothin'!_

"If only the _Infinity_ were here," Simmons sighed. "One shot from that sweet MAC cannon would crush this bitch."

"_Take immediate evasive action!_" Roland cautioned.

_The dragon attacks and... Critical hit!_

Lasky didn't bother lifting his head out of the dirt. He felt the simulated pool of blood under his back and wanted to sigh in annoyance. He glanced to his left, seeing Mordecai sprawled in the sand, missing an arm and very, very charred. If it weren't a simulation, he would be dead.

"Great," the sniper snorted. "Can we stop playing now?"

"I'm leeeeeeaaaaking!" Zed whined from where he was sprawled. "I can see the code..."

"Tina, you can't start a campaign with a boss fight no one can win!" Simmons argued.

"He's right, Tina," Lilith said. "It's not fair and no fun!"

_Um... okay, back up!_ Everything rewound. The players were un-damaged and placed in their previous positions. _Um... so no dragon... I can come up with a new boss. He's a...skeleton. And his naaaaame is... Mister... Boney-pants-guy?_ The gate to the town dropped down and a midget-psycho-sized skeleton jumped out.

"Blaoorooooaargh! I'm Mr. Boney-pants-guy!" the skeleton shouted.

_That work?_

"This pleases me," Brick said. He ran up to the skeleton and kicked. Its head, arms and legs stayed in place while the torso went flying to shatter on the wall just above the head of a skeleton archer, who looked up at where the torso had shattered and whose jaw dropped off as it looked back at Brick.

"New meaning to 'make his jaw drop'," Allison said dryly.

The group dispatched the skeletons easily and fought through the town, destroying more as they came. Finally, they made it to another gate, in a much larger wall. It appeared to be the only way out, so they took it.

_You enter the town of Flamerock Refuge, the last beacon of light and hope for the people of this land. In the distance, you see the scouting airships they have to protect them from baddos and stuff. Whatchus gonna do?_

"Sir, I suggest we set up a base of operations and covertly gather information from the locals!" Simmons said.

"Simmons, this is a_ game,_" Lasky said. "But if it makes you feel more comfortable, fine. Everyone stick in pairs when we go in. You can wander around and ask people questions as covertly as you like."

_A graaaaaand idea, Capsicle!_

Scooter dragged the Arbiter off in one direction. Zed led Angel and Allison off towards the apothecary shop. Brick, Mordecai and Linda headed off to look for a tavern. Hammerlock and Simmons went off in another direction, chatting.

Lilith slid her arm around Lasky's. "You said stick in pairs," she reminded him, looking up at him with a smile. "Shall we come up with a bullshit cover story, too?"

"Two warriors come to save them from this Handsome Sorcerer isn't good enough?"

"Simmons wants covert. How is telling them exactly what we're doing covert?" Lilith asked. "Isn't that... overt?"

"Lilith, I don't know if it's not that obvious, but..." Lasky leaned closer, dropping his voice to a whisper. "I'm not a spy."

Lilith giggled and hugged his arm. "Is it too much to ask for an excuse to say we're a couple?"

"Oh? That's what this is about? You put Simmons up to making that suggestion just to con me into pretending I'm your, what, boyfriend?"

"No, he came up with that aaall on his own," Lilith smiled. "C'mon."

_Oooh, Lilith! Roland's gonna be sooooo piiiiiissed..._

"Tina, ple—"

Before Lilith could get the rest of the sentence out, a man rushed up to Lasky, grabbing his jerkin, knocking him back a step and out of Lilith's grip. "WE SHALL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF THE SUN AGAIN!" the man wailed, a bit too close to Lasky's face for comfort. He eased the man back, holding him at arm's length.

"Easy, friend. What's wrong?"

"Brave warrior, rescue the queen," the man pleaded, trying to pull Lasky closer by the leather of his jerkin. The captain was clearly stronger, holding the man rigidly at only slightly closer than full reach, gripping his shoulders. "Save her..." the man whispered before releasing Lasky and scrambling away, wailing.

"That was... weird," Lilith said.

"You don't say," Lasky muttered, smoothing out his jerkin.

"Hang on, is that..." Lilith squinted, as if it would help her eyesight. "Is that Ellie?"

"Pardon?"

"Scooter's sister, Ellie?" Lilith pointed.

"I don't know," the captain shrugged. "Never met the girl."

"It's Ellie," Lilith confirmed.

_Why don't you go see what's up? _Lilith looked at Lasky hopefully. He sighed and offered his arm. Lilith slipped hers around his arm and they went over to meet Ellie. Lasky was surprised by the woman's corpulent size, rather that Moxxi had allowed her daughter to put on _any_ weight. Her face bore a resemblance to Scooter's. She was dressed in a tunic, trousers and a few armor plates, indicating she was some kind of guard. _Whatchutwo gonna do?_

"Good morrow, madam," Lilith started. She glanced at her companion.

"You have a troubled air about you, ma'am," Lasky said. "Be there be something some traveling warriors might do to ease your suffering?"

"The queen's been kidnapped, I am afraid to report," Ellie said. "I am her guard, you see, but she gave me the slip in yonder forest to visit the Tree of Life and restore light unto this world. I thought she might return here to restore the light, but she has not yet reappeared and I cannot pick up her trail."

"Fair huntsmen we are," Lasky said. "Perhaps you may give us her last known location?"

"Inquire of the gatekeeper, Davlin," Ellie-Double said. "That he may allow passage and guidance into the treacherous wood. Should you return the queen unto this village, you will be rewarded."

"Good day to you, ma'am," Lasky said, leading Lilith off.

"Hey, not bad with the Shakespearian BS, there, Captain," Lilith said.

"Huh? Oh, I talk to Sangheili. They talk like that. When... they're being... casual..."

"The Arbiter doesn't talk like that... all the time...?"

"He's had more human conversation practice... And he spent time in the field with John."

"So that's why he knows how to use small clusters of small words..." Lilith meant it in the most endearing of ways. Lasky chuckled, then a thought occurred to him.

"Roland, drop a waypoint on the gate."

"_Yessir._" A column of light opened up, spiking straight up from where Ellie-Double had indicated the gate to be.

"Can you generate a radio or something?" Lilith asked.

"_Ah, yes, Ms. Serif, I can. Would you like an old-fashioned walkie-talkie style radio? Or an earpiece-mic set-up?_"

"The earpiece-mic," Lasky said. An earpiece appeared on both him and Lilith, along with microphones clipped on their collars. Lasky switched on the mic, stepping away from Lilith a little. "Lasky to fellow players. Anyone copy?"

"_Private Simmons to Captain Lasky, sir! I copy, sir!__" _Simmons chirped.

"_Indeed!_" Hammerlock agreed.

"_I hear you,_" the Arbiter said.

"_We hear you_," Allison said.

"_Mordecai to Lasky: Brick, Linda and I copy,_" Mordecai said. "_How's that for twenty years out of service?"_

"Not bad," Lasky said. "All players rendezvous at the pillar of light at the edge of town. We've got our objective: Rescue the queen and bring her back to Flamerock Refuge."

(V)

They re-grouped a few meters from the gate.

"So the gatekeeper over there's gonna let us through into the forest and bring us to where the queen was last," Lilith said.

"I do not trust the look of him," the Arbiter said.

Lasky did a double-take of the gatekeeper. He trusted the Arbiter's judgement almost as much as his own. It wasn't that the Arbiter lacked experience—he'd been a warrior longer than Lasky had been alive. That said, given the Arbiter's vast experience, the captain was inclined to agree that there was something off about the gatekeeper. He was having difficulty putting his finger on it...

"Noted," Lasky said. "We'll keep that in mind. Form up on me..." he started, then thought better of it. "Just get in line behind the Arbiter, Scooter."

"Okay," Scooter said, hopping into place behind the Arbiter.

They approached the gate and gatekeeper. Just as they got to the gate, a loud ringing sound cut the air and everything but the players seemed to slow down. _Sorry, girls, I gots to take this._ There was a pause. _Dis Tina._

_"TINA! IT'S MR. TORGUE!"_

"Ah shit," Lasky and Lilith groaned simultaneously. The Arbiter's shoulders dropped. Mordecai groaned in annoyance, patting himself down, as if looking for something, until he realized that Siobhan wouldn't have a flask of booze concealed on her person. Zed withdrew the Claptrap's arms and wheel, snapping the eye off and retracting the antenna. No one else seemed to be bothered by Torgue's voice alone.

_Heeeeeey, Torgue! What it do, what it do, what it do? Oh, yeah, hey, Roland, put it on speaker so the players can say "hi" or somethin'._

_"WELL, EVERYTHING'S GREAT ON MY END. HOW'RE YOU?"_

_I'm good! What's up?_

_"CAN YOU PUT ME IN THE GAME? I WANNA PLAY, TOO!_"

_Ummmm, sure! The gatekeeper is now Mr. Torgue!_ With that, the scrawny, creepy gatekeeper vanished and the tall, muscular Mr. Torgue took his place. Torgue immediately flexed and proceeded to air guitar.

"YEEAAAAH! FAAAAAANTAAAAAASYYY WOOOOOORLD, MEEDLYMEEEEDLYMRROOOOOW! YEAH!" Torgue howled, making the Arbiter cringe and Lasky flinch. Torgue straightened up and appeared to eyeball Lasky. "Y'KNOW, CAPTAIN, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE ACTUALLY MET IN PERSON! ACTUALLY, THE FIRST TIME I'VE MET ANY OF YOU IN PERSON. YOU'RE ALL VERY ATTRACTIVE!"

"Uh, thanks," Lilith spoke for everyone.

"Why thank you!" Hammerlock appeared to blush slightly.

"For the love of the Gods..." The Arbiter sighed. "Mr. Torgue, we seek only entrance to the forest in order to rescue this unworthy queen."

"Unworthy?" Scooter glared at the Arbiter. "Whatchu mean 'unworthy?' Izzat some kinda alien juju bullshit?"

"No, I merely stated that I feel she is not worthy to hold office, having been captured by the enemy..." the Arbiter scoffed.  
>"Sangheili political views aside, Mr. Torgue, we need to get in there," Lasky said."WELL, HERE'S THE STORY. IN ORDER TO GAIN ENTRANCE TO THE BADASS FOREST OF BADASSITUDE, YOU'LL HAVE TO DO SOME QUESTS!" Torgue replied.<p>

"Oh man, what now?" Mordecai sighed.

"NOW, YOU'RE GONNA GO GET A FIRE WEAPON AND BURN THOSE BLIMPY THINGS DOWN!"

"What? No! Those are the town's only defenses!" Lasky said.

"I GUESS YOU GUYS AREN'T BADASS ENOUGH..."

"Torgue, you're being an idiot," Lilith told him.

"AND YOU'RE EVEN LESS BADASS. BECAUSE YOU'RE RUDE."

"Shall I show him what a true badass is...?" the Arbiter growled, going for the combat knife, over the energy sword.

"I wanna punch him," Brick agreed, smashing his knuckles into his palm.

_C'mon guuuuys... just play the game._

"Tina, I'm not condoning this," Lasky said. "It's this town's only defense. I'm not allowing anyone to leave these people defenseless."

"Um...I do despise interrupting, however there appears to be an unidentified object of extremely massive size hovering above the town," Hammerlock interrupted.

"That looks like a giant steam-punk version of one of those blimpy things," Zed announced, in Claptrap's perky tone.

"There's two," Angel corrected.

"Two airships above/One the Bishop of the Queen/Second, infinite," Linda said. They all looked at her and Simmons actually counted out the syllables on his fingers.

"Impressive, Ma'am," Simmons said. Linda shrugged.

"That's the _Infinity_?" Mordecai raised an eyebrow. "And..."

"Tina, what the hell is going on?" Lasky frowned.

"Sir, Tina appears to be fixing the situation so we can burn down the airships for Mr. Torgue," Simmons said, snapping to attention before he spoke.

"Thank you, Private Simmons," Lasky said.

"You are welcome, sir!"

Lilith looked over at Lasky. "Well, the city has defenses, now. Right?"

"I suppose so..."

"So we can burn the smaller airships down? I mean, the _Infinity_ and _Queen_ have superior firepower, period... even if they have been, um... Even if these are just armored hot-air-balloon versions of them," Lilith said. Lasky didn't reply. He didn't like the whole thing and had a feeling that, even though Torgue had taken the gatekeeper's place, there was still something with that particular character. "Linda, do you have a clear shot at both of them?" Lilith asked, seeing that Lasky wanted no part of this mission. The Spartan hesitated, but nodded. "And an incendiary sniper?" Another nod. "Um, then fire at will?" Lilith said.

"Was that an order, ma'am?" Linda asked quietly.

"Fire when ready, Spartan," Lilith corrected herself. Linda lifted the incendiary sniper, popped off one shot then swiveled around, the heels of her boots cutting into the turf with the motion and popped off one other shot. She caught both shells before they hit the ground or the airships had started to burn. As soon as the airships went up, Torgue turned to her.

"OKAY! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY BADASS ENOUGH TO ENTER THE FOREST, AND SO ARE YOUR FRIENDS... BY ASSOCIATION!" Torgue told Linda, who flashed him a smiley face icon on her visor. He turned. "THIS WAY!" Torgue said and opened the gates. He started to march down the pathway, singing, "WHEN I WAKE UP, I KNOW I'M GONNA BE THE MAN WHO WAKES UP NEXT TO YOU..."

The Arbiter winced. "Tina, I have an objection to being subjected to this torture."

"And unless you want to start another war with the Sangheili, maybe you should switch the gatekeeper back," Angel suggested.

_But Mr. Torgue is so awesome!_

"Tina!" Allison had done that thing mothers did where all they had to do was say one word in a certain tone of voice and everyone wanted to obey.

_Okay..._ Tina sighed. _Sorry, Torgue. But I gotta put you in the stocks._

"THE STOCKS?" Torgue cut off from singing. "AWESOME!"

Torgue was replaced with the former gatekeeper, Davlin. "Please, warriors, follow me," Davlin said in a whispery voice.

"Linda, he does anything funny, put one in the back of his head," Lasky said in a low voice. Linda nodded.

"What?" Lilith hissed. "He's a little creepy, but is that necessary?"

"Call it a soldier's intuition," Lasky replied.

* * *

><p>I picture the Bunkers &amp; Badasses Commando Lasky outfit to look more Eomer than... Aragorn. Y'know, just so y'all know. And the song Torgue is singing is "I Would Walk 500 Miles" by the Proclaimers. Another fic author had him singing it (over and over and over, like 500 times) to the Borderlands 2 guys in a re-play of the Tiny Tina's Assault Campaign... So, after my friend played that song about a hundred times (loudly) in close proximity to my head, I had to put it in, but I doubt the Arbiter would stand it for long and Tina wouldn't appreciate him decapitating Mr. Torgue. Neither would Torgue.<p>

Yes, I know I skipped the tavern thing. It didn't work.

Next time... the Forest of Tranquility.

Until then, kiddos. Out.


	2. Marcus's Missing Train, Part I

Not really a chapter of Tina's, kinda a vague version of Marcus's Mercenary Day thing... But Marcus can't, y'know, hire UNSC personnel to do shit; them being soldiers and stuff...

We'll see.

This was supposed to come out before X-Ma$, but then I got to discover the miracle of Retail at Christmas. YAY! I LOVE BEING THE ENTIRE RECOVERY TEAM FOR THE WHOLE MEN'S DEPARTMENT IN A STORE IN THE MALL IN MY TOWN! YAAAAAAY, RECOVERY! That means folding and re-folding every table in the entire store whenever it gets mussed up. People do not respect sweaters at all. Not even Calvin Klein sweaters.

And I've been having writer's block, bad, on this.

* * *

><p>I<p>

"_Captain, this is embarrassing..._"

"I won't judge, Marcus," Lasky glanced at Roland, who smirked on his pedestal.

"_A shipment of my guns has gone missing. The Raiders can't do anything about it and they don't have the fire power to do anything even if they did..._"

Lasky hesitated with his hand over the comms controls, considering bringing up a line on Lilith. But the thought of a prolonged conversation with the redhead made him uneasy. So he continued with the arms dealter. "Marcus, you realize we're not a mercenary company. We're a military force."

"_And the only personnel with the firepower and capabilities to do a job like this! Loan me a couple of people, please?_"

"And you realize gun running is illegal, right? And I work for the government that made it illegal?"

"_It's a legitimate business! I have the dealer permits! All obtained legally. I promise. Officer, all my papers are in order..._"

"You're a cop now, Cap?" Gaige asked, coming onto the bridge, pulling a cart along behind her, which Maya was pushing from the other side. "Hey, everyone! Maya, my mom and I made Christmas Cookies and cocoa. Come and get some!" Gaige handed a cookie and cup of cocoa to Lasky. "What's going on with Markus? Is he trying to sell you stolen guns?"

"_No!" _Markus protested. "_A shipment of my guns was stolen and I was just asking if there was anything Captain America here can do for me about it!_"

"'Captain America'?" Lasky frowned, but accepted the cup of cocoa from Gaige, declining the Christmas Cookie.

"Gaige and I can check it out for you," Maya volunteered.

"We can take Wash and North, too, right? I mean, they're not UNSC personnel, are they?" Gaige asked.

"They are. Wash is UNSCRA and North's UNSCMC," Lasky said.

"I just heard a lot of letters right there," Maya said with a giggle. Gaige also giggled.

"Army and Marines," Cortana clarified, striding over. "Ooh, cookies. Never had one before..."

"Go right ahead," Gaige held out the plate of cookies.

"Where'd your shipment go missing?" Cortana asked.

"_Near the town of Gingerton, in the north, past the Tundra._"

"_Way past the tundra_," Roland clarified. "_It's forty kilometers north of there. Think... Moscow-in-the-Winter cold._"

_"_So cold as hell," Gaige said.

"_Well, classic depictions of Hell are mainly... incendiary, so, not exactly...?_" the AI tipped his head to the side slightly.

"Metaphor, little brother," Cortana smiled, nibbling on the cookie. "Sir, it's only up to you as far as you're willing to actually go to prevent a Siren from doing what she wants to do."

"I can send you with a security team," Lasky said, watching Gaige's grin spread.

"Does that make us in charge of the operation?" Gaige asked.

"As far as the team is willing to let you be," Lasky shrugged. "If they decide it's not safe, then they'll let you know."

"Can we pick this team?" Gaige asked. Lasky shook his head.

"I'll be sending the same personnel you worked with on the Vault Hunt—"

"Yay!" Gaige said, hugging Lasky, much to his surprise. She glanced at Markus. "So, what was it we had to do again?"

II

Gaige felt the cold cut into her borrowed cold weather gear. Krieg darted past her and dove face-first into a snow drift. Rather, he tried, but the tether holding him to Fred's rucksack harness prevented him from reaching his destination. None of the Spartans were in armor (cold weather damage repairs to Mjolnir were expensive and armor lockup could prove fatal in arctic environments). They were all in standard-issue cold-weather gear for the most part, down coats with fleece lining over thermals, mostly (with the exception of John, who simply wore a fleece-lined vest under the borrowed body armor and cold-weather pants, given he was robot from the shoulders out on his arms).

"Okay, Boss, what now?" Fred asked, glancing down at Gaige as the _Gypsy_ took off. Snow whipped around them, attacking any exposed skin, which there was very little of.

"Well, we have the last known coordinates of Marcus's shipment, so we should probably start there," Gaige said. She hesitated. "After we set up a base in doors, preferably?"

"There's a town named Gingerton a klick northwest of us," Siobhan reported.

"Let's go there, then," Maya said. "Talk to some civilians, see if anyone saw anything."

"You heard the Boss," Fred said. "Let's move out."

The walk to Gingerton was silent and cold, but quick, despite the snow. Nothing was too numb by the time they got there. Kelly barred Gaige's way, though. She signaled to Fred, who nodded and gave her another signal back. John's hand came down on Gaige's shoulder and she let him force her along. Naomi and Axton moved off with Zero and Siobhan in one direction while Mal and Salvador trailed the remaining Spartans. Gaige noticed that Krieg had gone quiet and had drawn in, prowling along with the Spartans, rather than trying to run around them.

"Wha—Mmph!" Gaige couldn't get anything out before Mal's hand hand gripped her mouth and jaw, from behind, over the scarf covering her face, forcing her to be quiet. Something was _wrong_ then. And the Spartans knew it, so the other soldiers were following suit with the stealth and noise discipline.

They paused outside the cabin furthest out and Kelly eased open the door. She and Fred cleared it and brought the one group in. It was a little warmer out of the cold, but the heat or furnace or whatever heated the cabin was off and the Spartans had no intention of turning it on. Gaige pulled down the scarf and leaned as close to John as she was comfortable, waving for him to bend down to her level.

"What's wrong?" she whispered.

"Too quiet," John replied, in a low voice. "Talk in a low voice. It doesn't carry as far as a whisper."

"Okay," Gaige said as quietly as she could manage.

Fred snapped the cover off his TAC pad and drew up Zero's helmet cam feed. Gaige and Maya huddled on either side of him and watched.

The quartet had moved further into the town and were clearing houses. They went through the small one- or two-room cabins quickly, but the larger houses took a tiny bit longer. The seconds ticked by... then they were in the town square. It looked like everyone was seated around a massive bonfire in front of an even larger Christmas tree. Axton pulled down his scarf, holding his hands out in a peaceful gesture. He must've called out to them, but no reaction from them made him reach for his rifle again, holding it in a low ready as he stepped to the side and held position with Zero as Siobhan and Naomi approached. One by one they checked the civilians, reaching for the throat and leaning just in enough to get a look at the faces.

After they'd checked the whole group, both of them looked at Axton and Zero and shook their heads. Siobhan clicked on her radio. "_It looks like they're encased in a layer of ice. It's warm, though, which makes no sense."_

"Unless the ice isn't really ice, but like stasis shielding," Maya said, clicking her own radio on. "Can you find pulses?"

"_No._"

"Are they discolored?"

"_They look fine, except for the fact that they're encased in ice."_

"Let's assume Maya's theory is correct, since the ice is warm and they don't look like they froze to death," Fred said. "Best guess at why, then?"

"The same guy who stole Marcus's guns did this," Gaige said. "Maybe someone saw and he didn't know exactly who, so he figured no witnesses at all?"

"It'd take a lot of resources to encase _all_ of them in stasis shielding. And besides, I've never seen shielding like that before," Kelly said. "Has anyone else?"

"_Nope_," Axton said over the radio. "_Zero?"_

_"No. Although ONI was attempting to work on refining the time alteration device Dr. Church invented into something like that._"

"_And you know this how?_"

"_They wanted me to test it._"

"Did it work?" Gaige asked.

"_It exploded and nearly killed me._"

"So, no, it didn't work."

"_No, it didn't._" Zero's helmet dipped, as if he was embarrassed. Then it snapped back up. A growl sounded. He turned, bringing up his SMG. "_You hear that?" _his radio clicked off.

"Kuro, what's going on? Report," Fred barked into his radio.

A figure was approaching Zero and Axton. It was nearly seven feet tall, dragging something in the snow. It was dressed in mid-2480's UNSC cold weather gear. The wind started to pick up and suddenly, it was a blur of snow with vague shapes, then white as Zero's visor was covered. He swiped it clean with a shivering hand. Krieg whimpered, trying to squeeze between Kelly and Maya.

"_Sir, put down the weapon!_" Axton shouted, the radio catching his voice, but static invading the audio towards the end of his sentence. "_Sir, we will open fire!_" His voice had even more static now and the image was starting to fritz out. An alarm went off and Fred opened a smaller window in the corner of the screen. Zero's biometrics were going haywire. His body temperature plunged, with his blood pressure and pulse and the camera sank down, like he was collapsing. The image on the screen fizzled out and the entire TAC went blank, declaring a loss of signal.

"York, report? Siobhan?" Fred stopped trying after the fourth time and no reply.

"Fuck," John hissed, moving for the door. He tried to open it, but the knob wouldn't budge. He put his shoulder to it and the door wouldn't even move. "What the...?"

"It won't even come off the hinges?" Mal asked, eyebrow cocked. "For a Spartan?"

"No," John replied, scowling. He backed up and kicked the door as hard as he could, the robotic legs whirring, as if frustrated, when the door didn't give. "Shit."

"We're trapped in here and they're trapped out there?" Maya said. John nodded.

"And the temperature just dropped five degrees since you started your sentence," he added. "If it hits freezing in here, you guys won't last long."

"You?" Maya asked.

"Cybernetics'll keep me alive for a while. Until they freeze and I die of hypothermia and extreme frost bite," John said.

"You'll probably die last," Gaige said. "Me and Maya will die first, then Salvador and Mal, then Krieg and Fred and Kelly... unless your internal temp regulators freeze up faster than we're both anticipating. In which case it could go either the way you said or burn you to death from the inside out. They might get locked into thinking you'll die of hypothermia and keep jacking up the heat until you die of heat stroke..." Gaige had started rambling. She bit her lip and hugged her arms to her chest. "Either way it'll hurt the most for you."

"Yep," John grimaced, back against the door. He tipped his head back and spread his hands out on the door. "It's solid ice on the other side of this door. Thick ice, too. And it must be packed with snow."

"You can feel that?" Salvador tipped his head to the side.

"No, I can hear it," John said. "I'm pushing against the door. I can hear the ice flexing and I don't hear snow falling. And I can see the snow level through the crack in those shutters. It's above the window, so it must be above the door."

"It's coming down ridiculously fast," Mal said. "How's that possible?"

"This is Pandora," Kelly said. "Anything's possible. Ice and snow drifts being sturdy enough to withstand a cyborg Spartan with limbs sturdier than the Mjolnir we wear...?"

"Everything about this is wrong," Maya said. "Unnatural."

"No shit," John scoffed. "What I wouldn't give for an energy sword right now."

"No, I mean someone _has_ to be using a weather manipulator or something," Maya said. "It's impossible for snow to fall this fast. There was barely a dusting ten minutes ago."

"We're on a mountain. There's a blizzard going on outside and the wind is fucking ridiculous," Salvador said. "Here, it snows like this."

"You've been up here before?" Gaige had forgotten he was a Pandoran native.

"I used to come up here to snowboard and ski with my cousins when I was a teenager," Salvador said. "I didn't realize what mountain we were on until I saw that guy in Zero's helmet cam."

"You know him?" Kelly asked, frowning.

"No. But there's a legend about this mountain," Salvador said. "Story goes that some of the people with the colonial government got involved heavily with the Insurrection and the UNSC put a few posts on planet to keep an eye on them. There was one up here, on this mountain. Anyway, one of the corrupt colonial officials sent in a clan of mercenaries, who lived down on the slopes of the mountain, and they slaughtered the UNSC personnel. It wasn't just personnel, either, they had families up here. The mercs killed the men, women and children. Supposedly, they did worse than just kill the women and some of the kids, if you know what I mean."

"That's... Wow," Gaige said.

"And how did the UNSC respond?" Mal asked.

"ONI sent a team with a UNSC escort to Pandora and they set up shop on this mountain," Salvador continued. "Same official sent the mercs up again, but the UNSC and ONI guys set a trap, killed most of them, arrested the rest and bombed the shit out of their village, killing their families. One of the guys they arrested broke out and murdered four of the UNSC guys before they killed him. Another one of the guys they arrested went missing from inside his cell. Cuffs were left behind, still locked and everything. They found him in one of the ONI guy's rooms, later, throat ripped out, chest cavity smashed in, like someone had taken a gravity hammer to it or something, even though this was before the Covvies showed up. Same ONI guy went missing, too. They didn't find him, for a while, though."

"Did they ever find him?" Maya asked.

"No one found him until two springs later," Salvador shook his head. "He was just sitting on one of the rocks, like he was just chilling, when they found him. When they came up to him, he was dead, frozen solid, even though it was spring and had been over sixty degrees for a month. His throat had been cut, his fingers were all broken, his face had been slashed up in a Glasgow Smile, and his fingertips had been torn off, the tips of all the bones of his fingers sharpened like knives. His arms and shoulders were all shredded up under his shirt, like he'd cut himself with his bone-claws..." Salvador shivered. "My grandfather was one of the Marines the UNSC had posted there and he was one of the guys in the patrol that found him."

"Bloody hell," Mal whistled. "How'd he get there and they didn't find him."

"He went missing," Salvador shrugged. "Apparently, there'd been a blizzard the day he went missing and no one had left the base. Your guess is as good as theirs."

"And the guy in the cold weather gear?" Fred asked.

"One of the UNSC guys went nuts the winter after they found the ONI guy. Went around trying to kill everyone," Salvador said. "My grandfather's best friend killed the guy. Four times."

"So he didn't kill him the first three times?" John raised an eyebrow.

"No, he did," Salvador said. "First time he cut the guy's throat after a fist fight that left them both blind in their left eyes. Second time he shot the guy in the head. Third time he gutted the guy with an axe. Fourth time he filled him with a clip of AR ammo, stabbed him in the skull, put an axe in his chest, lit him on fire and kicked him out the second-floor window and off a cliff in a blizzard. The guy came back and stalked around the base every winter, with the dead ONI guy. Whose body disappeared between the time he was found and when they got an emergency team up there. They left two guys with him and one of them went to take a piss and the other one turned to sneeze and when he turned back, the body was gone."

"So there's two undead weirdos out there with Naomi, Siobhan, Zero and Axton," Kelly didn't sound like she believed it.

"Yup," Salvador nodded. "Our four are probably dead."

"_Hey, Chief. Open the door._"

All of them looked at each other, John going rigid against the door.

"That can't be," Kelly said.

"It's not," John said.

"_C'mon, son. Open the door."_

"Who is that?" Gaige asked.

"_Goddamn it, Chief! If you don't open this door, I'll kick it down and break my boot off up your giant robot ass!"_

"Sergeant Major Avery Johnson," Kelly said. "He's dead."

"_John, open the door. It's freezing out here._" This voice was different, younger. Maybe an eighteen-year old's.

"Definitely dead," John whispered. Kelly nodded and closed her eyes, bowing her head. Krieg whimpered again.

"_C'mon, it's so cold out here! John, Kelly, c'mon! No one gets left behind, right? You wouldn't leave poor ol' Sam out here to freeze to death, would you? That's cold, guys. So. Cold._"

III

Axton's back hit the door and he slid down, squeezing his eyes closed as the big guy in cold weather gear pounded on it from the outside. He tipped his head to the side, feeling cold leak through the crack between door and frame. It was locked and barred. Nothing was getting in. And if it did, it'd have to deal with two Spartans and an ODST.

"Keep trying to get comms back up," Siobhan said, glancing at Naomi and Axton. Naomi nodded and looked down at Zero. The assassin had been shivering like crazy, but now, he was hardly shivering at all. That was bad.

"How do you feel, K?"

"Hungry, dizzy..." Zero mumbled. His voice was slightly slurred.

"Hypothermic," Axton said. He dropped his ruck sack and pulled out the arctic sleeping bag from the bottom. They'd all packed, prepared for anything. Even sleeping in the snow. Even though it was supposed to be a brief mission. "You'd be more useful on the door, Naomi. You've got both eyes to work with and you're bigger."

"In case the bastard breaks it down," Naomi agreed. To punctuate that, a snarl sounded from the other side of the door and a forceful shove rocked the wood against the frame. Axton helped Zero strip out of his suit and body suit and get into the sleeping bag. He preceded to strip down to his underwear, too, and climbed in with the assassin. The idea was that, in the insulated bag, their body heat would keep Zero warm enough to keep him from getting any worse.

Axton ducked his head into the sleeping bag, zipping it shut on he and Zero. The assassin was huddled against the ODST's chest. Axton hugged the ex-Spartan. His breathing was faster than normal and his heartrate was too slow. Axton was right about the hypothermia. A yawn broke the shaky breaths.

"Don't fall asleep," Axton said, pinching Zero's ribs.

"It's too cold to sleep," Zero replied quietly.

"Comms are back," Siobhan cheered quietly. It sounded like the big guy was gone, for now, but Naomi stayed by the door, shoulder to it. "Blue Team? Can you hear me?"

"_Barely. Report,_" Fred said.

"Naomi and I are fine. The four of us are locked in a cabin right now. Naomi and I are watching the door. Axton's in his sleeping bag with Zero."

"_Axton's what?_" Gaige blurted.

"_K's hypothermic?_" Kelly ignored Gaige.

"He was showing symptoms," Siobhan reported. "We're gonna stay here for a bit, but the blizzard is letting up. Be advised, there's a lunatic out there with a shovel. He doesn't respond well to bullets."

"_According to Salvador, that's our friendly neighborhood homicidal ghost,_" Fred said. "_Good idea on sitting tight. You warm enough?_"

"The heat appears to be electrical in this cabin, and there's a generator in here, fully fueled. This kind'll work for days on a full tank," Siobhan said. "It's not exactly tropical in here, but we should be fine."

* * *

><p>End of Mercenary Day Part I. I'll get to actual Mercenary Day crap next time, this part was inspired by a series of Creepypastas... This "started" just before Tiny Tina's. Just so y'all know.<p> 


	3. Chapter 2

And now, back to your regular programming.

TINA'S ASSAULT, CHAPITRE DEUX! :D Sorry about the length of wait, guys... I had writer's block and I've been working at a department store. During the Holidays. Fucking Returns and Exchanges...and Inventory...

Don't own anything... Except for the idea of the Arbiter, Linda-058, Lasky, Hammerlock, Zed and Angel playing Bunkers and Badasses. Oh, and some of the people they're playing. I own them, too. :)

Warning: Simmerlock, Lilasky (slowly building to 'em both, obviously). Language. Violence. Blah, blah, blah... You know, Borderlands shit.

* * *

><p><em>Once upon a time... The Vault Hunters played a game.<em>

CHAPTER TWO:

_So you enter the Forest of Tranquility..._

"BOOOOO-RIIIIIIING!" Brick called out, making Lasky flinch.

_Okay, I'll fix it... But, damn. Now I gots to think of a better name!_

"Noise discipline," Linda hissed, making Brick growl in response.

"Linda, I need eyes on that Davlin guy," Lasky said, noting that their gatekeeper guide was MIA. "Find him."

"The Gatekeeper is about a kilometer ahead of us, inspecting some sort of gate, sir!" Simmons had just dropped from the tree above them. He snapped to attention as he gave his report, smacking himself in the forehead with his binoculars. Lasky raised an eyebrow.

"...Thank you, Simmons."

"You are quite welcome, sir!" Simmons said, giving him a huge, creepy grin. Lasky made a note to keep an eye on him.

_Oh! I got it! I'll call it the Forest of Really Big Trees That Eat People!_ Everyone looked around, suddenly terrified by the now darkened and sinister woods.

"Jeez, Roland... Do I need to have you inspected for rampancy?" Lasky joked half-heartedly, in light of their now grim and somewhat grisly forested surroundings. The AI chuckled over the radio. Before he could say something, though, another voice came over their radios.

"_Oh, hey travelers. Handsome Sorcerer here! Just wanted to let you know I plan on killing you all. And feeding your corpses to ferns. People like ferns. Ever notice that? Anyway, yeah. That's it. Ciao._"

"Are you freaking kidding me?!" Angel blurted. She blushed. "Oh, I mean... Um, what was that?"

"Angel, no need to check yourself anymore, honey," Lilith said. "Have you heard our mouths?"

"Motherfucking Jack," Mordecai cursed for effect. Angel smiled.

"Son of a Skag bitch!" Scooter added.

"Watch your mouths!" Allison snapped jokingly. Scooter looked down, intimidated and Mordecai blushed apologetically. Angel giggled at that.

"Hey! What's this?" Zed chirped. He held up a robot-hand full of diamonds.

"They look like... diamonds," Hammerlock said. "They appear to be quite exquisitely cut, as well! Very fine, indeed._"_

"Diamonds are a claptrap's best friend!" Zed dumped some into the drawer on the front of his boxy claptrap body.

"An' a Psycho's!" Scooter added, stuffing some in his pockets. The Arbiter squatted beside the small pile of sparkling rocks and inspected the diamonds.

"I am not sure those are mere gems," he said. Mordecai crouched beside him and picked one up. He inspected it carefully and sniffed it.

"I dunno, something just seems off about them," he said.

"Oh, please. They look like diamonds," Brick said.

"They smell weird," Mordecai said. "And who the fuck just dumps a pile of diamonds in the middle of the forest?"

"Maybe the Queen lady dropped 'em," Scooter shrugged.

"This is, I dunno, forty pounds of diamonds," Mordecai said. "Over there's another pile and there's another one not much further that way. Who in the fuck carries over a hundred-twenty pounds of diamonds with them through a forest?"

"Point taken," Lasky said.

"I agree, sir! It is extremely strange that there are piles of diamonds in the forest!"

"Simmons, stop kissing ass," Mordecai said, dusting his knee off as he stood. "Cap?"

"For now, we'll keep the diamond weirdness in mind, but we've got a queen to save, so we'll leave it as is for now," Lasky said.

"Diamond pile investigation to be done at a later date. Got it," Lilith said. "On with the journey, then?"

"Back in formation," Lasky ordered. "Let's move."

"_Be advised, there's some hostiles up the road. Fire should do it, though,_" Roland cautioned. Everyone drew out a fire weapon as they moved forward, falling back into the wedge-shaped formation with a little more ease this time. The evil tree-monsters Roland had cautioned them about died quickly. He failed to mention the disturbingly large Spiders, though.

"Ew, Spider! Get it off, get it off, get it off!" Hammerlock squealed, terrified, as he was attacked by a particularly large one. Simmons butted it off him with his shot gun and splattered it across the sand. Hammerlock looked up at Simmons, gratitude in his expression. "Many thanks, Simmons. I do believe you saved my life. You're quite a hero!"

"Aw, thanks," Simmons grinned back. "I try."

"You two need a room?" Mordecai jabbed. "Or can we keep moving?"

"Need a room, indeed! I was merely expressing my gratitude for—"

"Is that a Brute?" the Arbiter interrupted, sending Mordecai, Linda, Lasky and Simmons into full alert mode. Sure enough, there was a large, brutish creature that looked to have been alerted to their presence.

_Covvies, in Tina's game?!_ Lasky thought. _Roland, what the fuck!?_

"_No, Arbiter, sir, that's an Orc,"_ Roland clarified.

The Orc charged.

So did Brick, Scooter and the Arbiter, the three of them roaring as loudly as the Orc was.

A loud rifle crack sounded and they both froze as the Orc slid, dead, at their feet. The Arbiter retracted his energy sword blade, Scooter stowed his buzz-saw axe and Brick lowered his fists as they both turned, glaring angrily. Mordecai pointed at Linda, who was lowering her rifle, casually.

"Tee hee," Linda said in a low, monotone, a smiley face appearing on her visor.

Finally, they caught up to Davlin.

"There is Orcish writing here," Davlin said, as if they'd never been separated and had been carrying on a conversation the entire time. "It says the gate, here, requires the juice of the blood fruit to open."

"Weird," Allison said. "Where can we find that?"

"On the treeant that dwells in the Blood Swamp o'er yonder," Davlin replied, pointing. At Orc Territory.

"Of course it is," Lasky deadpanned. "Allison, spot for Linda. And sit tight on Davlin, okay?"

"Got it, Captain," Allison said.

"And... Simmons and Hammerlock, you two hang back with them. The rest of you, with me."

"Yessir!" Simmons saluted.

So the remainder of the group made their way down into Orc territory, attempting to sneak along as far as they could. Until Brick got his Blast Hammer out and decided he didn't like sneaking anymore.

Which was when all hell broke loose.

"Cap, you and Lil go after the Blood Fruit! We got you covered," Mordecai called out. Lilith grabbed Lasky's arm and pulled him after her. She let go so they could run and gun. They managed to get up to the swamp, which looked more like _blood_ and approached the treeant. Lilith ran and jumped, grabbing three fruits on her way down, while Lasky distracted the treeant.

"That would've been so much easier with my Phasewalk," Lilith said as they ran back down to the rest of the group.

"I'll bet. This whole thing would've been so much easier if I had access to the resources I have as myself," Lasky said. Lilith giggled, then swore loudly, lobbing a grenade at an Orc who'd just shot an arrow at them. He stared at it, confused, then was exploded.

Suddenly, there were arrows and bullets firing at the Orcs from _outside_ the camp. The shooting stopped momentarily and horses clopped into the camp, forty or so, all in leather and metal armor. _Enter a bunch of mysterious cavalry mens in armor with guns and swords and stuff. They look pretty awesome. Are they friendlies or enemies?_

"You have got to be kidding," Mordecai deadpanned. "It's all you, Cap," he smirked at Lasky, who approached while performing SPORTS on his now un-jammed rifle. Lasky looked up and over and swore.

"Well, fuck."

"Interesting greeting," the leader of the horse-riding men said with a snort of a laugh. "Tell me you're not the leader of this mercenary crew."

"I am," Lasky replied, eyebrow cocked. "And who the hell are you?" _This should be good_, he thought to himself.

"Captain Thomas Lasky, Commanding Officer of the United Nation's finest interstellar battleship, the _Infinity_," the man introduced himself. "And you are, Mercenary?"

"Axton the... Commando," Lasky replied. "Thanks for bringing the cavalry, Cap'n. Appreciate it. You here to help the Queen out, Captain?"

"You're quite welcome. And yes. My ship was dispatched to assist in the over-throwing of a tyrannical sorcerer. The Queen Of Flamerock Refuge's senior adviser didn't say she'd also be hiring a group of mercenaries," the NPC-Lasky frowned.

"She didn't say she'd be hiring a jackass starship officer, either," Lasky fired back. NPC-Lasky smiled.

"Something about you is almost... familiar, Axton," the NPC said.

"I'm glad I can't say the same," Lasky replied. _No shit, _he thought.

"I'll send a few of my men with you," the NPC said. "Lady Cortana, take a squad and join these mercenaries on their journey."

"Yes, Captain," a curvaceous, blue-haired woman in a dress way too revealing for her own good, said, dismounting the horse to the left and behind the NPC captain's. She handed the reigns off to a soldier and a few more men dismounted, following her up to Lasky. She raised an eyebrow, looking up at him. "From up there, you looked a little taller."

"Yeah? While you were up there, your tits looked a little bigger, too," Lasky said, still playing the roguish ODST. NPC-Cortana looked like she wanted to punch him in the face. One of the other soldiers loomed over Lasky, standing behind Cortana. He looked up and registered similarities in the soldier's face to a particular soldier he knew that he hadn't realized Tina had known. _Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, it's fucking John,_ Lasky's heart sank. The Arbiter stepped forward, putting his hand on Lasky's shoulder and growling, glaring up at the other John. The grate-like visor covered enough of the Arbiter's face that recognition would be difficult, but his snarl was plain enough to see.

"Is this going to be a problem, Mercenary?" NPC-Lasky asked, glaring at the real captain. Lasky smirked at his in-game counterpart.

"Shouldn't be," Lasky replied. _And so you set off with your new companions..._

"Oh!" Davlin said when they returned. "You've got the blood fruit. Excellent."

"Why does he make me think of a cartoon villain when he says things like that?" Brick asked, glancing at Mordecai, who shrugged.

"Hell if I know. He's just creepy."

(V)

Once they were past the gate, it looked pretty quiet. And it was pretty quiet. Until a flaming wreckage hurtled from the sky, being attacked by dragons on its way down.

"That wasn't yours, right?" Lilith glanced at Cortana, who shook her head.

"Absolutely not. The _Infinity_ is unsinkable."

"Yeah, okay," Mordecai snorted, earning a glare from Lasky.

"Oh, shit," Scooter blurted. They all looked at him. "I think that was one of the guard-balloon thingies."

"Oh, shit," Lilith echoed. "Um... that's not good."

"No, it is now," Cortana agreed. "What makes you think that?"

"Because... reasons?" Scooter offered. Cortana didn't seem phased.

"Enemy contact," Linda interrupted. Skeletons and knights in armor charged at them, flailing swords. They dispatched them quickly.

"We should look for survivors from the crashed airship," the Arbiter mentioned as he passed by Lasky, moving back into formation. _An excellent idea, Arby!_ _Go see if there's a survivah!_

"Agreed," Cortana said. They made their way to the airship, seeing no dragons around... until a loud roar cut the air. A white-armored figure rose from the wreckage. Lasky felt his heart sink as he realized who the white-armored figure was, rising heroically from the ashy smoke and flames of the balloon wreck.

"You are fucking shitting me."

* * *

><p>I'll be honest: I totally couldn't remember what happens between when Vault Hunter gets the blood fruit and the Dwarf Mines. And then all I remember of the dwarf mines is Brick punching the Dwarf King and Clapdalf being like "You shall not pass" and falling over. And the password. I remember the gate password.<p> 


	4. Marcus's Missing Train, Part II

Not really a chapter of Tina's, kinda a vague version of Marcus's Mercenary Day thing... But Marcus can't, y'know, hire UNSC personnel to do shit; them being soldiers and stuff...

We'll see.

Gonna be a little less scary, for now, for those of you who were scared by the last chapter o' this. I don't own anyone y'all don't recongnizate! Just the idea of Zero being a Spartan II, and Axton being an ODST and York, and Salvador being a marine. And John being like Adam Jensen's most badass digievolution. Whatever.

* * *

><p>IV<p>

After the storm let up, Gaige's group escaped their cabin and somehow made it to the other cabin. The snow wasn't actually that deep, except around the cabin they'd been trapped in, oddly enough. Once they did get there, Kelly considered inspecting Zero, but decided on trusting Axton's judgement.

"So you shot the bastard?" Mal frowned.

"Unloaded two clips in him," Naomi replied.

"He attack any of you?"

"Tried. We never let him get close enough," Siobhan said. "He had a shovel. We had guns. We were slightly more mobile than he was."

"Staff must've had a hell of a time trying to keep up with you," Salvador half-smiled.

"Not really. I'm not overly fond of shovel-wielding maniacs any more than the next guy," Axton said from the sleeping bag, voice muffled by the fact that it was closed.

"So Zero can't be moved," Gaige said.

"Nope," Axton confirmed, coming out of the sleeping bag. "But he's warm enough, now, unless someone else wants to crawl in there with him."

"Here I was thinking it was a stipulation for someone to at least buy you a drink before you got in bed with 'em," Mal teased. Axton glared at him as he got re-dressed.

"It usually is, but sometimes you just _gotta_ make those exceptions. Y'know what I'm saying?" Axton smirked. Both ODST's laughed.

"Dirty jokes aside," Fred interrupted. "There weren't any tracks."

"Told you, sir. It was a ghost," Sal said, arms crossed over his chest.

"Bullshit," Axton scoffed. "Ghosts don't exist."

"Tell that to the shovel-wielding maniac with two clips of AR ammo in his chest," Maya said. "Unless you're saying Siobhan and Naomi missed."

Axton looked from one female Spartan to the other. "I didn't say that... What if he has one of those funky experimental absorbing shields or something? There was enough snow that vision was obstructed enough that you couldn't've told if there was a shield or not. Perfectly logical explanation as to why we couldn't shoot the bastard down. Now if he'd gotten up close and personal and Naomi had stuck her combat knife in his eye and he kept coming? Then I might agree there's an argument to be made with the ghost thing..."

"Then explain the lack of tracks," Gaige said.

"It kept snowing after he left."

"There'd be depressions in the pre-existing snow."

"Not necessarily."

"You said he was banging on the door, right?"

"Yeah."

"With the shovel?"

"Sounded like, at one point."

"Not a scratch on the door," Kelly said. "And how do you figure everyone in the cabin we were trapped in was hearing voices from outside?"

"Someone was trying to get in," Axton said.

"Through six-inches of ice and a nine-foot-tall snow drift?" John raised an eyebrow. "I don't believe in ghosts any more than you do, Staff Sergeant, but it seemed pretty impossible that Sergeant Major Johnson and our old teammate were outside banging on the door."

"I... got nothin'," Axton said, shrugging. "But there's probably a logical explanation for it."

"Suicide by Spartan, maybe," Mal suggested. "Otherwise, who'd go out of their way to piss a bunch of you off?"

"Explain to me how they'd know about Sam-034," Kelly said. "First Spartan to get killed by the Covenant. Never mentioned in any releases to the press. Only people who remember him are the people who knew him. And there's not that many of us left. And none of us would do _that_."

"I have an idea," Fred interrupted again. "How about we stop theorizing and try to complete the mission?"

"Good idea, sir," Siobhan agreed. Fred glanced around the group.

"Mal, Naomi, Gaige, Axton and Maya are staying here," Fred said. Before Gaige could protest, he tossed her his TAC pad. "Just plug the adapter into your ECHO," he instructed, fixing an earpiece onto his ear and a small camera onto the snow goggles, which he pulled back down onto his face. "Krieg?" he glanced at his clone. The Psycho tipped his head to the side and sat down. "Settled, then," Fred said, undoing the strap from his rucksack harness. "If you loose radio contact and visual, stay in the cabin. We'll come back when we can."

"Got it," Gaige said.

John pulled open the door and promptly froze. Kelly and Fred tried to see around his tall frame, planted in the middle of the doorway, but couldn't see much.

"Holy shit," Gaige breathed. Fred looked around at her.

"What?"

"I... The camera on your goggles picked it up."

"John, move," Kelly said, pushing on his lower back. He took a slow step forward. The four Spartans and their Pandoran guide stepped into the snow.

"Madre de Dios," Salvador said.

In the snow, outside the cabin, sat twelve little snowmen, each with something to make them unmistakably modeled on each one of the Vault Hunters. One had a psycho mask, another one a red wig and a piece of metal for an arm, another a Mohawk and beard, one had freckles, and two of them had eye-patches, each on the opposite eye and so on...

"That's unnerving," Fred muttered.

"Slightly," Kelly agreed.

"Sir?"

"Press on, John," Fred said. John moved forward but paused with his rifle raised. He mowed down the snow men then continued, stepping over the piles of snow.

V

"Tracks are iced-over," Siobhan said. "Looks more recent than old."

"Train must've been jacked before they iced over," Fred said. "Which means we need to get to the other side."

"There's a way down over there, sir," Salvador said. "Last time I was up here a bandit camp had moved back in."

"_On alert, Spartans,_" Gaige cautioned over the radio.

While they did encounter resistance, it was weak. They killed the bandits easily and kept on, finding an easier way to get up the other side than the way down had been. More bandits waited for them on the other side. They opened fire as soon as John pulled himself up onto the edge of the cliff.

"Don't come up," he barked sharply. The Spartan took two to the vest and a third to the knee before he got to cover. The two in the vest stuck. The one in the knee bounced off the metallic joint. Back to the boulder, he analyzed what he'd seen. Grenade, then five to go. He could take the five with his battle rifle, easy.

The plan went mostly without flaw. But when he started back towards the cliff edge to help his team up, a swirl of snow and wind momentarily blinded him. When he had visibility back, he was staring into the cracked visor of a 2485 UNSC extreme-cold-weather-gear helmet. A bloody eye socket was visible through the crack and the front of the snow gear was slick with blood, from the collar down.

"I wondered how long you'd wait," John said. The figure tipped his head to the side and raised his shovel. John planted the barrel of his battle rifle under its jaw and blew out the top of the helmet. He kicked the figure off the cliff and kept moving. He knelt and held out a hand for Kelly.

"Who'd you just kick off the cliff?" Kelly asked.

"Axton's Not-Ghost," John replied. "Looked pretty dead when I kicked him off the cliff, though."

"He'll be back," Salvador said when John pulled him up. Fred came up last.

"Lock that shit down," Fred said. "Is that the train?"

"That was easy," John said.

"_John, check your six!_" Gaige shouted into the radio.

John turned quickly, the blades sliding out of his knuckles. He cut into the torso of a twisted-looking figure. It shuddered and the blades were digging into Sam's chest.

"What the hell, John?" Sam frowned. He was in their training uniform, ice and clinging to his hair, face, clothes... Dried blood painted his chin and hands. The legs were caked in mud. John kicked him backwards.

"Go to hell," John snarled. The figure shifted back into someone less familiar. The man snarled and lunged. John made to kick him, but he ghosted past the Spartan's entire body, going straight for Salvador, who butted the bastard in the face with his rifle.

"Die, you twisted undead son of a bitch!" Salvador shouted, shooting the figure. The man snarled and, in a swirl of snow that left them blind for a moment, vanished. There was blood on the snow. Old blood. Thick and brownish black. The same old dried blood as the blood on John's blades.

"I can't wait 'till we get off this motherfucking planet," Siobahn growled.

VI

Gaige glowered at the crates of guns strapped in across from her.

"What's wrong, Gaige?" Axton asked.

"That trip sucked."

"Yeah, sure it did, but... We got guns," Salvador said. "Atlas and Vladof and Torgue and Tediore guns. We have a whole crate of Vladof Hammers! Best shot guns in existence."

"Yeah, but we didn't... I didn't do anything fun..." Gaige pouted.

"You saved my life," John said. "Not many people get to say they did that..."

"Yeah, just, what, Gaige, Kelly, Cortana, Linda, the Arbiter and I...?" Fred said.

"Pretty much," John confirmed. Gaige blushed.

"But I didn't get to shoot anything!"

"That's okay," Mal said. "Best fighter's the fighter who never has to draw his gun."

Gaige frowned, crossing her arms over her chest. "It was supposed to be my mission..."

"And it was successful, Boss," Naomi said. "We got the guns, thawed out those villagers, killed bad guys... it was a good day."

"You'll have a chance to feel like you're the hero, Gaige," Axton said. "You're only eighteen. You've got time."

* * *

><p>End of Mercenary Day. Super short and I guess I lied about the lack of scary, huh? But it's not too bad. John's had worse, right? Flood, anyone?<p>

Anywho, yeah... shoddy ending, but whatever. Tina's is next chapter and for the rest of the story, probably. Until next time.


	5. Chapter 3

And now, back to your regular programming.

TINA'S ASSAULT, CHAPITRE TROIS! :D Sorry about the length of wait, guys... I'll be honest: A) I had zero motivation to write anything and B) I totally couldn't remember what happens between when Vault Hunter gets the blood fruit and the Dwarf Mines. And then all I remember of the dwarf mines is Brick punching the Dwarf King and Clapdalf being like "You shall not pass" and falling over. And the password. I remember the gate password. SPOILER: It's "fart."

Don't own anything... Except for the idea of the Arbiter, Linda-058, Lasky, Hammerlock, Zed and Angel playing Bunkers and Badasses. Oh, and some of the people they're playing. I own them, too. :)

Warning: Simmerlock, Lilasky (slowly building to 'em both, obviously). Language. Violence. Blah, blah, blah... You know, Borderlands shit.

* * *

><p><em>Once upon a time... The Vault Hunters played a game.<em>

CHAPTER THREE:  
>They made their way to the airship, seeing no dragons around... until a loud roar cut the air. A white-armored figure rose from the wreckage. Lasky felt his heart sink as he realized who the white-armored figure was, rising heroically from the ashy smoke and flames of the balloon wreck.<p>

"You are fucking shitting me."

_Suddenly, you see the white knight before you in all of his handsome, heroic glory! _Every one of the players shifted uncomfortably as the white-armored figure started towards them.

"Tina—" Lilith began, but was interrupted. _It's Roland!_ A dragon also jetted up, from beyond the edge of the cliff.

"We'll talk later!" the Roland NPC said. "First, help me fight this thing!"

The dragon (and its four buddies) were no match for the players and their NPC allies. Roland strutted up to Lasky and thumped him on the back. "Shorty, you're the best. I owe you one."

"Uh," Lasky managed.

"This cannot be healthy," the Arbiter frowned.

"Tina, we gotta talk about this," Brick agreed.

_No, you gots to go kick more butt._

"Lets go, bitches. We gots to rescue the Queen," the White Knight said.

"Tina, Roland doesn't talk like that," Lilith protested.

_He does when I'm voicing him, girl._

"Fo shizzle," NPC-Roland said.

"Mercenary," Cortana interrupted. "My captain requires my assistance."

"Yeah, sure, fine," Lasky said, in character. "Knock yourself out, lady."

"Fare the well," Cortana said. She and the NPC-soldiers walked away.

"Wow, that was... okay," Scooter said.

"I am still trying to ascertain why it was that the airship our Non-Playable Comrade was aboard crashed here," Hammerlock said. "The dragons appeared to be fresh additions when we saw them, at first..."

"It might've been one of the airships Mr. Torgue had us burn..." Allison suggested.

"And where did that Gate Keeper guy go?" Simmons said.

"Probably to the Tree Of Life, boo," NPC-Roland said.

"Okay, that's annoying," Mordecai said.

"Agreed," the Arbiter said, with a growl.

"Okay, here's the plan," Lasky said. "You know where the Tree of Life thing is, White Knight? Just nod yes or no. Yes? Okay, take us to the Tree of Life so we can rescue the queen, end the game and take Tina to a psychologist."

"Why're you takin' Tina to a Psychologist again? Ain't she only 13?" Scooter asked.

"Scooter, a Psychologist is a doctor for your feelings and mind and all that stuff... You're thinking of a doctor for something else," Zed said, face-palming with one of Claptrap's metal claws.

"Scooter, you are not to talk unless it's got something directly to do with someone being about to die," Lasky said.

"Sheesh, okay," Scooter said.

"Uh, Captain?" Angel pointed up the road when Lasky turned. That the NPC was disappearing around the bend of.

"Do not loose that guy," Lasky ordered Linda.

"Yessir," Linda moved on ahead, keeping a tight tail on the NPC Roland while the others followed her up.

"Right over there's the Tree of Life," the NPC said, having stopped for the group to catch up. A large stone-wall surrounded area circled a massive tree.

"And there's that pendejo Gatekeeper," Mordecai said.

"Captain, it may not be pertinent to the current situation, however, our unaccountably eerie chaperone appears to be standing in the midst of a cemetery," Hammerlock pointed out.

"It may very well be," Lasky said.

"This is kinda scary," Lilith said, moving a little closer to the Captain.

"Any reason why you're out of formation?"

"Wow, I almost forgot you were an officer," Lilith frowned, moving back.

"Davlin, what's going on?" Lasky called out as they came to the area the guide was in. Hammerlock was right. It was a cemetery. And a cold shiver rolled down the captain's spine.

"Ah, master mercenary..." Davlin said, turning slowly. "Welcome. You're all just in time."

"In time for what? What's going on?" Lasky repeated.

"Answer him, _nishum_," the Arbiter snarled. Davlin laughed, grinning. A flash of light transformed him into some kind of wizard with a familiar look to him.

"In time for the end of the world, pumpkin!" Handsome Jack, in Wizard Mode, laughed. Everyone's weapon refused to fire. The Arbiter threw his energy sword to the side and rushed Jack, snarling, alongside a roaring Brick. They passed through the figure.

"The Gate Keeper is the...Handsome Sorcerer...?" Simmons said. "What the fuck?"

_PLOT TWIST!_

"Tina, that made literally _no_ sense," Allison said.

_PLOT TWIST!_

"Why is Jack—" _PLOT TWIST!_ Tina interrupted Angel's question.

"Aw, shit," Scooter said. "Uh, Captain, I knows you told me not to talk an' all, but I think I need to point that out..."

"Son of a bitch," Lasky said, seeing the towering skeleton climb out of the crypt. "Arbiter, keep him distracted. Brick, Scooter, cover us."

"With pleasure," the Arbiter said. His energy sword still wasn't lighting, but he had no trouble with the combat knife, except that it was much harder to score a hit on a walking creature made of bones, with no visible vulnerability. A bullet impacted the skeleton's chest, denting the armor inwards, followed by the thunder of a fifty-cal sniper firing. The Arbiter, with the use of a human face, however hidden by helmet it was, grinned. _Ah, the sweet sound of friendly sniper fire..._

"The firing pins are missing," Allison said.

"He's a sorcerer. He probably just teleported them or something," Lilith said.

"Probably," Mordecai said. He patted down his clothes. "Damn it. I usually have a spare firing pin on me... Doesn't look like the Chief keeps the same rule."

"She used to. Every so often Jorge lost his and... nevermind," Allison said. "I assume Roland didn't know that."

"_Oops. Hang on, guys... Ta-dah!_"

"Oh, look at that," Simmons said, looking down at the little piece of metal in his hand. Lasky appeared to be the only one still in quick enough practice. Ten seconds later, he had his rifle back in one piece. Which was important, considering many more skeletons had appeared and some had slipped past Brick and Scooter. Even with SPORTS, he still managed to kill the impending hostiles before they got close enough to cause harm.

"Linda, where are you?" Lasky asked.

"_In the prone firing position__ in the wreckage of the Roland-controlled White Knight Roland's airship, sir._" Another one of her shots took the arm off the massive skeleton.

"Then who... Oh, right... Hologram," Lilith said.

"_Hey, you guys know you can use the turret and Death Trap, right?_" Roland pointed out.

"Right," Lilith blushed, embarrassed she'd forgotten.

(v)

"Mr. Arbiter!" Angel cried out, drawing attention. She was scrambling, empty handed, towards the Arbiter. The massive skeleton was standing over the Sangheili, who'd been knocked to the ground, blood pouring from through the face-guard of the helmet. He shook his head, pushing himself up. The skeleton brought down the mace... sort of. It brought it arms down, but the spiked mace was above its head. "You gotta move, Mr. Arbiter!"

The Arbiter crawled forward, dazed and injured. Angel released the Phaselock she had on the mace and it came down, crushing the skeleton's skull and bringing it down. Angel rushed forward and helped the Arbiter up.

"Are you okay?"

"It is hardly more than a scratch," the Arbiter waved his hand dismissively.

"He just got you good once," Angel said. "You're okay."

He grunted in acceptance.

"_Arbiter! Angel! Check your six._"

The Arbiter turned and shoved Angel away. She cried out, upon hitting the ground. He managed to evade the large axe and snarled, catching himself on one hand as he slid on the gravel. The Arbiter righted himself and attacked the second massive skeleton. His energy sword was working, now, giving him a significant edge.

"Be silenced!" the Arbiter snarled, decapitating the skeleton. The bones and armor crumbled. "Who wishes to be my next victim?!"

(v)

Lasky yanked Lilith back as a shield-wielding, fully-armored skeleton charged at her, having managed to get past the hail of gun and turret fire and the distracted Death Trap.

"You saved me," Lilith said, blushing up at Lasky.

"Just helping out," Lasky shrugged. He assessed the skeleton. Even corrosive bullets pinged off its armor... He stepped around Lilith as the skeleton charged again. He grabbed its outstretched sword-hand and twisted, snapping the gloved hand off at the wrist, one-handed. Lasky caught the shield coming for his head and swung the sword around. He stuck it through the eye slit of the helmet. The skeleton collapsed around his boots.

"Impressive," Lilith said.

"I guess," Lasky said. He was now armed with a shield. Lasky stepped closer to Lilith, pulled her in and lifted the shield, deflecting two arrows aimed for her head. She blushed.

"So was that."

"Yeah it was," Lasky winked.

"You are so in character right now," Lilith laughed. Lasky smiled.

"Feet first into hell," Lasky said with a wink.

"I meant 'Captain America,'" Lilith teased, shooting the legs out from under a skeleton to allow the Captain to crush its skull with the heel of his boot.

"I'm so not Captain America," Lasky replied. "Firstly, because he's an Army captain, and I'm a Navy captain. I out rank him. And secondly, because I'm not a super soldier... I just happen to have quite a few under my command."

"And thirdly because you might actually get the girl," Lilith smirked. Lasky blushed.

"Um...?" he managed as she slid up against him, draping both arms across his shoulders. She tipped her head to the side, eyelids dropping... and opened fire on the two skeletons approaching them from behind.

"HA HA HA! Smashed!" Brick whooped, standing over the fourth and final giant skeleton.

"Howwazzat?" Scooter asked, twirling his buzz-saw axe. He was immediately distracted by the fact that there was an arrow floating above the top of the Claptrap's box, somewhere about where Zed's left bicep would be, on his normal self. "Uh... why's there an arrow floatin' above Zed's box?"

"_Oops... Rendering error_," Roland said ruefully over their headsets. The arrow vanished completely. "_Better...?_"

"Better," Zed said, one mechanical hand scratching at the air above the top of his box. "Mmmrrmm..."

"Everyone else whole?" Lasky asked, still reeling internally from Lilith's little stunt.

"With the exception of Petty Officer S-058, we're all present and accounted for, sir!" Simmons said, snapping to a sharp salute, nearly whacking Hammerlock in the head with his elbow. Lasky nodded, letting Simmons's kiss-ass-ness be.

"I say, do watch those elbows!" Hammerlock frowned, swatting Simmons's arm. Simmons flushed bright red.

"Sorry, Sir Hammerlock, sir," he said, looking apologetically at Hammerlock.

"Just Alistair, Richard, lad," Hammerlock said. Simmons nodded dumbly.

"Pretty much," Allison said, dusting herself off, in response to Lasky's initial question, ignoring Hammerlock and Simmons's exchange. "What's next?"

"That was almost... fun," the Arbiter said. He gave Angel a rough pat on the shoulder. "You fight well."

"Thanks," Angel blushed. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I am quite alright," the Arbiter said. "As Madam Reed inquires, what is next?"

Linda jogged up to them, dropping the wall easily. "Up the stairs and down/Mines await us in the dark/The only escape."

"Okay, to the mines..." Lasky gestured at the stairs. "And where the hell did our NPC go?"

"_Can't tell you, sir. Tina says it'll ruin the story._"

"Fine..."

_And so you enter the Mines of Misery, the kingdom of the Dwarves..._

* * *

><p>For those of you that didn't knowforgot: "Nishum" is Sangheili for "an intestinal parasite." It's used as an insult, mainly towards humans.

By the way, SPORTS, for those of you that don't know, is a weapons' check technique when you've just put a gun back together and want to check if it fires, or if it jams and you need to make sure it still works.

I know it takes more than a headshot to kill the Skeletons in TTAoDK, but F*ck it. To misquote a famous badass "It's gotta be the [skull]." Because that makes more sense.

ALSO, I'm putting deadlines on myself. UPDATES THURSDAYS. :D

Uh... well, then. Until next time, Kiddos!


	6. CH 4 (Or Why Lasky Doesn't Want Kids)

CHAPTER FOUR

_"And intermission time! We can go have lunch or something._" Tina called out over the speakers. The simulation stopped suddenly and everyone looked at everyone else, a little surprised to see their normal selves suddenly.

"I say," Hammerlock blinked a few times and removed his glasses to clean the lenses on his shirt. "That was most invigorating."

"Yeah, it was kinda fun," Simmons agreed. They all left the Simulation room. Moxxi was sitting on the table in the conference room, a stack of pizzas on the table, as well as a take-out box near her hip. She hopped off the table, holding the box and went over to the Sangheili.

"This is for you, sugar," she said, handing it to the Arbiter. "I figured you wouldn't eat normal human food."

"Most kind of you, madam," the Arbiter bowed his head politely and Moxxi grinned.

"Oh, you are adorable, aren't you?" she said. He gave her a confused expression.

"'Adorable'? Whatever do you mean, madam?"

"She liiiikes yooooou," Tina sang, skipping into the room and twirling in a heart-shape around Moxxi and the Arbiter.

"Tina!" Moxxi snapped. Tina giggled and skipped over, hopping into the seat Lasky was about to take, next to Lilith. Lasky settled for the next seat over.

"Hey, Linda, when's the last time you had pizza?" Simmons asked. Linda tipped her head to the side, expression displaying her deep thought.

"You know, Simmons, I can't even say," Linda said. "Probably when I was six, before the Spartan Program started."

"Me, too, dawg. I only eat crumpets," Tina said cheerfully.

"'Crumpets'?" Mordecai questioned.

"Crumpets are a griddle cake made of flour, yeast and water, traditionally served with tea, either buttered or with jam," Tina replied.

"And how are you not dead...?" Lasky said, looking down at the teenager beside him.

"Imma live forevah, dawg!" she said, throwing her arms into the air. Lilith looked at the salad Moxxi had provided and then at Tina. She pulled the salad over and put some on Tina's plate. "What?! Ew, no!" Tina wailed. "It's looking at me!"

"Tina, you need to eat something other than—"

"It's LOOKING AT ME!"

"TINA!" Lilith snapped. Lasky yelped in surprise as Tina dove into his lap.

"Please, Mr. Captain Lasky Awesome Guy, save me from the... salad..."

"Tina, I agree with Lilith, it's not hea—"

"YOU JERK!" Tina made to dive over the table for the exit. The Arbiter caught her deftly and dropped her unceremoniously onto the table. Linda grabbed her arms while Brick moved into place, holding her legs. "This is torture! TORTURE! I'LL REPORT YOU TO THE NEAREST UNSC AUTHORITY!"

"Tina, I am the nearest UNSC authority," Lasky said.

"NO! NO! NOOOOOO!" Tina wailed. The Arbiter made to ply open her mouth.

"Careful," Mordecai said. "If she gets a taste for blood, we're fucked."

"Then perhaps, I should do this, sir," Hammerlock said. The Arbiter moved aside and let the cyborg take over. With his robotic hand, Hammerlock was less-likely to get bitten. Lilith dropped a forkful of lettuce into Tina's mouth. Hammerlock closed her mouth and she squirmed a little, then started chewing.

"Mm, this is good!" Tina said, grinning. "More, pleaaaase!"

"...all that... for 'More please'..." Brick said. "What. The. Hell."

* * *

><p>I leave you with that. Tina's is going on indefinite hiatus because I have serious writer's block. This is kinda what I wrote before I wrote the rest of the story, but I couldn't just drop this in there whenever, so... yeah. So... Who thinks Moxxi x Arbiter needs to be a thing? Anyone? No one? That's fine!<p> 


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